Regretted Reflections
by xelusivexmemoriesx
Summary: Because of the war a family has been torn apart. A mother fears for her son's remaining life. A bday present for Cat thanks Lyn for betaing this for me! Harry Potter is not mine and the song is Beautiful Disaster by Kelly Clarkson.


Narcissa stepped into her son's room, her feet touching the cold tiles quietly. Carefully, she tiptoed over to his bed and sat down, glancing at his twitching body. He was breathing heavily and Narcissa felt as though she should wake him. But no, Lucius would scold her afterwards - dreams aren't real and if the boy couldn't understand that, then he was a weakling. Besides, dreams prepared him for the terror that real life would bring.

She looked at him, trying to imagine the consistent pain he was going through. What could he be dreaming of? His beautiful body rolled over, his face looking towards her. His lip was twitching in the way that it did when he was afraid. Narcissa was always so fond of that. He looked so beautiful. But, as Lucius always said, beauty only goes so far if you don't have brains and can't think for yourself. And Narcissa feared for her son - was he under enough influence on their part? Was he given enough responsibility and chances to learn cleverness and wisdom?

**He drowns in his dreams  
An exquisite extreme I know  
He's as dumb as he seems  
And more heaven **

**Than a heart could hold**

But then, she couldn't help him. Her last chance was blown; now that Lucius had been freed from Azkaban, thanks to a certain Severus Snape, he was at home more than ever. During the war, he was usually in the basement. But she shuddered, thinking of what he would do to her and Draco if she dared help him; dared help him see the light.

She knew it wasn't fair. Life was never fair, especially now in the middle of the war. Her only son was unknowingly destined to live a life that he had always known and had never had any other alternatives; he never had another chance. She knew that he would undoubtedly be able to avoid it and become a better person if given the chance.

**  
And if I try to save him  
My whole world would cave in  
It just ain't right  
It just ain't right  
**

Narcissa kept her gaze on him, giving him a long stare; trying to interpret what he was about. What did he want? What was his goal? For so long, she had basically ignored him; too scared to make her move. And now it was too late. Would he be able to save himself? It was impossible to tell.

A deep, sharp pang of guilt cut through Narcissa like a spear of regret, urging a few tears to her eyes and spilling them down her cheeks. Would he be able to survive in this wicked, evil game of life? It wasn't fair. She glanced at his beautiful face again – it was calm. He seemed to have control of his dream now. But, as Narcissa knew only too well, it was when you thought everything was going well and under your control, in reality it got wild and everything changed; hurting the most, the climax of the nightmare. (?)

**  
Oh and I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster**

Narcissa pondered. Would she live long enough to help him? Would she be able to hold on and grasp onto his life; to change it around? Would she dare leave Lucius as she had always wished to and get on with her life? No- no she was _okay_ with her life. She needn't bother Lucius.

**And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful?   
Or just a beautiful disaster  
**

She had always been a strong woman, always making her beliefs known. Until she met Lucius anyway. She had been betrothed to him, keeping the family beliefs and the pureblooded prospect high. Her beliefs were still just as high, but her expression of it was much weaker now. She had been cursed so many times by him, and so had Draco, which had weakened her more than imaginable. She turned away from Draco, the sight of him was too much.

Her son had started twitching again. She could feel it moving the bed. Yes, he had hoped and his hope that had carried him through so far, had failed on him. False hope was always irritating, and during this war it had happened too often. People had gained hope, hoping that their lives would be so much better and their families would survive. But with each new day there would be new losses. And with each new loss, the false hope would be revealed. It was a tragedy no one dared to intervene with.

**  
His magical myth  
As strong as what I believe  
A tragedy with  
More damage than a soul should see  
**

Narcissa looked at her child once more. A million questions ran through her mind. No one knew what the future would be like or how anyone would ever be able to handle it. Would there even be a future for her son to redeem himself in? She had always been picked on, because of her unfortunate heritage. She didn't want that for Draco. She knew that he had to stay on top, but this seemed to kill him even more inside every time.

**But do I try to change him  
So hard not to blame him  
Hold on tight  
Hold on tight  
**

She knew he didn't try to do this. She knew that he had been brought up this way. Lucius's hard hand had always been too cruel. Living by these rules had transformed Draco, changing him. He wasn't the man he used to be. And she had to hold on tight to her beliefs before she started thinking he deserved the terrible fate he was probably going to end up facing.

**  
Oh and I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster  
**

Another thing traveled through her mind unwanted. What if her relationship with Draco wouldn't last? What if he simply couldn't forgive her for what she'd done and how she'd let Lucius treat him? Draco was the only thing she lived for now, and although it wasn't obvious, she loved him more than anything else. She wanted to give Draco memories; fond memories that he'd be able to look back on forever.

Would it be possible? More tears of regret came to her eyes when she realized all the damage she had caused by simply letting her son grow up in such a hostile environment. The thought of the possible consequences of her decisions frightened her, however reluctantly she had made them.

**And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful?   
Or just a beautiful disaster**

**  
**An image of Lucius came back into her mind, causing Narcissa to ponder upon their relationship. She had always dreamed of romance; of having something sweet to come home to every day. But no, all hopes of this had vanished when she had been betrothed.

Lucius was psychotic and hysterical. The Dark Lord had become an obsession to him; gaining power and being a "Lord's" right hand had certainly given Lucius an egotistical boost. Narcissa wished for something big and impossible that could change everything once and for all.

**  
I'm longing for love and the logical  
But he's only happy hysterical  
I'm searching for some kind of miracle  
Waited so long  
So long  
**

Narcissa touched Draco's cheek gently for a moment, feeling his cold skin against her warm finger. He tensed instantly, begging her to release her finger off of him. She consented, a lump growing in her throat as she thought about how she had handicapped him by being afraid.

Afraid. That's what it was. Being afraid was something big that she couldn't stop, and for Narcissa it had been too much. Her fear was of fear itself, which made her walk on the safe side and never, ever do anything drastic or stupid, or something anyone could criticize.

**  
He's soft to the touch  
But afraid at the end he breaks  
He's never enough  
And still leaves more than I can take**

Narcissa looked at her son one last time, and kissed his cheek. She was sorry for all that she had done and hoped she could fix her mistakes. She hoped that he wouldn't break and start fighting for his own dreams. She hoped he could be strong, because strength was so rare these days. Giving him one last look, she walked out the door and wiped the last tear off her cheek.

**  
He's beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster**

'Goodnight, Draco.'


End file.
